I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
