His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
