dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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