textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
