drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
