My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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