The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Semen is not good for contacts.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize