I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
