you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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