so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
