there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
