dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
