I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
