I skipped work to stalk him.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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