Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Even the bartender felt bad for me
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
