sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
