I think my fart just growled at me.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
