I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
