I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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