Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
