It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
ugly people sure do ruin things
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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