Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize