the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
So much rum. So many feels.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize