I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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