Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
