I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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