theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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