I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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