grandma shit on top of the toilet
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
