If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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