Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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