those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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