Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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