sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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