Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
