I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
