My cat gives me a boner
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
