I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
