Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
