one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
