Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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