update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
