did you get engaged???
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
