I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
