I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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