I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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