Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
