this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
