Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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