She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
