Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
