the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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