When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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