I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
