I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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