she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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