then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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