Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
