The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
