I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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