who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize