Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
