Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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