were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
